Spilling some personal tea

May 2023 Offering

Happy May my bbyz. How's yours started? 

Mine's been busier than expected, and I've found myself a little bamboozled by odd things like 'to-do lists' and 'time' and 'emails that need responding to'. They seem strange things to think about when there are flowers to sniff, and blue skies to gaze at.

This morning I saw two bumblebees slightly smaller than the size of my fists buzzing around wisteria blossoms. They looked so furry and fat and happy in their frolicking and buzzing that I gasped with joy and then giggled at my own reaction.  

My hope for us all this month is to enjoy a healthy dose of of buzzing and frolicking in our own lives... Preferably doing things and with people that inspire gasps of joy and burst of laughter.

There's no video from me this edition, just the words. And they're more personal than usual, so please let me know if you want more or less of the anecdotal stuff. 

Love and magic,
ilayda x

May: wtf are the cards sayin? 

The Fool and the Eight of Cups both depict a figure wandering, travelling off on their own. They both imply a certain degree of the 'unknown' about the journey or the destination, and underneath that implication, within both cards, lies the idea of some larger purpose. Where they differ is their energy and spirit. The Fool comes from a place of total freedom and abandon; it contains no hang ups about the past or preconceived ideas about the future, and depicts a start. The 8 of Cups, meanwhile, comes with solemnity. The figure has learned from the past, and contemplates the future in their quest to find what is right as well as what is good. It too is a beginning, but one that's inextricably linked to an ending. 

In 2022 I did my last ever stand-up gig. I've always been creative, writing and performing, but since 2019, I had been hustling the fuck out stand-up. I had decided it was 'my thing'. My devotion to (8 of Pentacles) and early blind faith in (The Fool) stand-up being the ‘right’ art form for me led to me meticulously building something for myself (8 of Cups) in the time I was writing and performing it. I wanted it, and I believed I could do it - I can't tell you how much time and effort and money and energy and brain space and social media posting and and whatever the fuck else had gone into me pursuing stand-up.

And then, just like that, I walked away. Actually, no, not 'just like that'. I spent months torturing myself as I deliberated about whether I needed to stop. Then I spent almost a year agonising over whether I'd done the right thing once I did stop. I didn't quit comedy because I was certain that there was nothing in it for me, or that I was no good, or that I would never make money from it. Quite the contrary, all the signs had very much pointed to the opposite. So why the ever loving fuck did I stop, wasn't it supposed to be 'my thing'... my purpose? 

This was the question I asked myself over and again in the months following; I felt like a failure, like an imposter, like a loser and a weakling. I looked everywhere for signs that I'd done the right thing by leaving it all behind, that I hadn't just yielded to fear, choked under pressure and self-sabotaged. Then, one day, after I'd finished writing down a haphazard idea for a theatre show, I got a group email from someone who ran a comedy night encouraging comedians to get in touch if they wanted a 5 minute performance spot the following month. I felt incredible RELIEF in my body at the fact that I was not going to respond. And I started to laugh like a maniac - because I finally got it. I didn’t WANT to devote my time, energy, and care to the craft (8 of Pentacles) anymore. It was that simple. 

Stopping comedy was not a sign that my creative journey was over. It was a sign that I wasn't fully connected with the creative outlet I'd invested in. Something within me had looked at all the metaphorical cups I'd painstakingly assembled, and said "this isn't right". It had looked at whatever was in those cups that I'd assembled and said, "Bitch, this isn't going to nourish you long term, you know that right?" And that was a REALLY SHITTY thing to realise. 

Somehow the pain and disorientation of that realisation, tricked me into thinking that my whole creative journey was over. I had been desperate to feel like The Fool again; I wanted to throw myself into a whole new purpose under the bright, blazing reassurance of sky daddy. But what I actually felt like, was the heavy motherfucker in the 8 of Cups: moving quietly in the less certain shadows of night, watched by the mysterious shapeshifting moon. And there was a reason for that: I wasn't on a new journey, I was on a different leg of the same journey - carrying baggage, and knowledge, and wisdom I'd picked up along the way. 

I don't regret the time I spent wondering if I'd made the right choice by stopping. That agonising was important too, because in some way, it was a different kind of mastery (8 of Pentacles). It was the close, careful, intricate work of learning how to live with my decision, whether or not it was the right one. It was the acceptance that no matter what action I took, moving forward without stand-up or choosing to go back to it, none of it mattered if I couldn't commit to either route happily and diligently. Once I realised this, something shifted. I was able to own the 8 of Cups walk-away, and infuse it with the hopeful presence of  The Fool. My purpose remains a creative one... And I'm just out here, fucking around and finding out, looking for the path that hits right. 

So, why the hell am I telling you this? Honestly, it's because when I saw this month's cards on the table, I was simultaneously flummoxed and also knew exactly what they meant. I knew that they spoke to the incredible paradox of regret and excitement and relief and fear and hope and doubt that all endings and beginnings contain. I knew that they spoke to the difficulty we all have in understanding, processing and making something good of all the endings and beginnings we encounter through life. I knew they whispered about risk, and safety, and hard work, and integrity and perseverance all at once. And this little anecdote of mine seemed to speak to and about all these things. 

Take what you want from it, leave the rest. Just know, if you too are grappling with regret or decisions or finding the right path forward, you are not alone in this uncertain place.

ilayda

x